Day 3

It is day three, after the offset of my miscarriage.

I spent most of the day in hospital again. I had a follow-up scan today and baby has left my body. I new it had happened - although it wasn't physically "heavy" - I felt "lighter".

The doctors want me to take some pills to bring on more (and heavier) contractions to make sure that all materials are emptied from my body. I am thankful that I did not have to have a D&C today. I am too scared to take the pills. I have a cardiomyopathy. On Tuesday the doctor who I saw at the hospital told me that I couldn't take those pills. Today a different doctor prescribed them to me. I did some "Googling" and I am not sold on the fact that if you have "QT"-something-or-other or a heart problem, you should tell you doctor - and he still gives them to you. I don't know if it is the same QT-something-or-other that I have, but I have seen faulty QT-things popping up on my ECG's before and I do have a heart problem.

So... I've told the doctor and he says I should take them.

Not sold.

Call me superstitious, but it is Friday 13th. And tomorrow is the anniversary of my grandmother's death. This is not a good week for me. If I was to die - it would probably be round about now. A little tiny part of me kind of wants to die. I want to be with my boy. But I know I need to be here for my girl. And dying is actually really terrifying. You don't realize how scary "dying" is until you are actually practically dying.

That's my heart disease. When I got sick, I was rushed to a specialist hospital two hours away in an ambulance with all sorts of machines strapped on to me. That morning I was sitting at work, doing what you do at work (probably Facebooking or something - did I just attempt humor? Is this writing thing starting to ease my mind?) when I started to feel "funny". That was about five years ago. About two months after my daughter was born.

I don't feel like getting into this whole story now. I'm lucky to be alive.

Dying is scary.
Although sometimes, you really, really, just want to be dead.