Please don't ask me how I am...

Yesterday my dad had a house-warming with some friends and family. I forced myself to go so that they could see my daughter. Clearly I was not feeling too hot - not really engaging and I guess it was obvious I was looking pretty miserable.

I'm asking you (no one, really, as I am blogging to myself in Cyber World) but please don't ask me "how are you doing?" when you can see I'm doing f*cking shite. What do you want me to answer to that? In the middle of a room full of your guests? Do you want me to go off on a tirade about how I am feeling?? Don't do it. Just don't do it. What the f*ck do you expect me to say?

At moments I can be feeling fine - and then you pipe up with a concerned look on your face, "How are you doing?" I was doing fine until you reminded me of how f*cked off I am with life.

I'm feeling angry.

I don't want to tell people "how I'm doing". You'll know when I'm doing great - you'll see it. Until then, don't ask me every couple of hours how I'm doing. I want to move forward and stop being reminded about this all.

I started work today again. I gave two art classes. It was lovely to see all my kids again. I love them.

I've been having palpitations this afternoon. It pisses me off. I want my stillness back again. I'm feeling bed-ridden and ANGRY. Very very angry.

I should have expected something like this. F*cking life. As soon as I get happy. Like really really f*cking happy - everything goes pear-shaped.

That is exactly what happened last time. My whole life (well, from about 12 years old) I wanted to die. I was depressed, a cutter and suicidal. A couple of months after my daughter was born (about five years ago) and how I felt about two weeks ago - I was happy. To the core. And content. For the first time in so many years I did not want to die. And wham. Boom. Sitting at work one day I started feeling funny. I ended up being rushed to hospital in CT where I spent a week in ICU. Frightening stuff. Doctors told my husband they "didn't know if I would make it". I was so sick that I couldn't carry my daughter. I couldn't walk five steps. I couldn't climb a flight of stairs. Finally I was happy. Not wanting to die. And I was "dying". Thanks life. 
  It was a long f*cking battle. Years later they diagnosed me with ARVC / ARVD. There were so many days that my heart would be beating so crazily that I would lie there praying "Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. Let me just get through this." I would will away the seconds, minutes, hours of heart craziness - waiting for my heart to calm down and bring me some peace.

People take it for granted - the peace that comes from a silent heart. - In all respects.

It took me many years to own a peaceful heart. I have felt "blessed" through all the hardships that I have endured, as to come through them all with a peaceful heart invokes a feeling of great accomplishment and personal growth. Some of those hardships, to this day, I do not understand and have not come to terms with. Those pertaining to my child. Children. But everything that I have had to endure. My body. I wouldn't change them, as they have made me who I am today. And I love myself. Many people don't love me. I have reached the point in my life (which is so wonderful as I had such a low, shattered self-esteem) where I honestly don't care what people think of me - because I know I am true to myself. And a good person. Only human, however.

I have scars on my body. Self-afflicted marks like rabid train tracks running down my arms for all to see. These haven't bothered me in years - what can I do about it?
However, last week, I wanted to have the skin stripped from my arms and covered with fresh, unmarred skin. I was thinking about why now, would I be feeling so conscious of my scars.
I haven't quite put my finger on it - any suggestions?
Maybe I want any reminder of my pained past gone. Maybe I don't want people to see that I have been through pain. Maybe I want to be recognized as someone with a "normal" life. Maybe it is all too much and I want a clean slate. I don't know. I hope that soon I will understand this.