I've had enough. ENOUGH.

How. Much. Does one person have to go through??

Every time I get slammed with something else in this little life of mine - I take it with a smile. Maybe some tears, some anger. But I have HAD ENOUGH now. There is no god. There is no god. That is all I can think to myself. Not that I am a great "believer" in any case. But right now - going through THIS on top of the rest. There is absolutely no "god" or "higher good" that would put parents through the agony of losing a child. Why do you get me pregnant GOD (I ain't no Virgin Mary, but conceiving whilst using protection must be some kind of divine intervention) - if you are going to take my child away from me. What kind of GOD will take away a baby. What have I done to deserve this. Continually. Over and over and over. One thing after the next. My whole life.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means a "poor me" person. At all. I have not done the "poor me" dance through any of the utter b*llshit I have gone through already. But taking my baby away from me - this is another level.

How can I feel such pain. Devastation. Utter devastation when I only knew that I was expecting for one week. How can I feel that I have had my insides ripped open and am missing the light which was me. I feel like I am going crazy. I am a "together" person. I am not overly emotional. And now I am an emotional wreck from losing something that was probably pretty much "gone" by the time I new it existed.

I say "it".

"It" was my child.

"It" lasted 7 weeks in my womb. Well, it survived seven weeks in my womb. I think it stayed there a while longer.

My child.

When I found out I was expecting... almost a week ago - I kept on having visions of a little boy. About four years old. It was my little boy I kept seeing, almost like I was seeing him through a rain splattered window or under murky water. I would see this child and be filled with utmost love. It was overwhelming. I was fearless. I would have done anything for my child. This little boy I was seeing. Now I see him in my memory, through eyes pooled by tears.

How naive of me to have assumed that he was the boy who was going to be sharing his life with my daughter and I. I had no doubt that this  child would forever be a part of our lives.. Our physical lives, at least.  How wrong was I. Between tears, anguish, insurmountable outbursts of pain and moments of absolute numbness, I have tried to piece this together. Why. Why am I given yet another "lesson" in life. I don't need it. I have been through everything. Everything there is to have gone through already - bar from losing a child.

Last night I had realization. It was as clear as day.
This child that I saw was not the child who was going to share my future with me, but it is one that I have spent a past with before. And I understand that the pure love and joy I felt when I saw him was because our souls recognized each other. We had found each other. Without hesitation I would have done anything in the world for this Being. The loss associated with losing this Being, even though our earthly encounter was so brief - feels tantamount to losing a child... a "real" child. I have moments of wanting to join my child. Because I miss him so much. My five year old daughter has managed to keep me somewhat "grounded" through this - luckily she missed the first few days of my grief. However, even through her existence it does not take away the longing for my little boy.

I feel so guilty. For his death.
It is my fault. It was "me" or "him". I know that Sophia needs me - but how could it be a matter of "me" or "him"? How am I supposed to live with that? There is very little doubt in my mind that my heart medication (Atenolol) stopped his little heart. My little baby... he really had no chance at all. I killed him. I poisoned him. Every time I took my meds to keep my heart in check, I was shutting his down. My baby. My baby. I am so sorry. I wish I had known earlier...

I was 1-2 weeks pregnant, according to "Clear Blue". That made sense to me. Kind of. How could I be pregnant when using protection? Stranger things have happened, but there was no denying the faint positive lines and the "Pregnant, 1-2 weeks" on the digital test. At the earliest booking on Monday I went to see my doctor to try and come off my heart medication in case it would adversely effect my unborn. The doctor did two tests, which both came out negative. I thought that it was probably just still too soon for his test to pick up my positive, so went past the store to get another test - I still got a faint positive. Something had happened though... I could feel it. I became frantic. I bought two more tests that afternoon, waiting for the morning to do an early morning test. I couldn't sleep at all that night and lay tossing and turning. At 5 am I did a test and the line was barely visible. I new then, in the pit of my stomach that I had lost my child. When Sophia awoke for school I was sitting on the couch, silent tears etched on my cheeks. She came to lie down with her head on my lap and started kissing my stomach.
"That is OK, mommy. Don't worry. I love you enough. I still love you. I don't need a brother or sister."

How did my daughter know that she had a sibling inside my womb..

At 5pm I took another test, which was as "negative" as the last.

At 7pm Sophia asked if she could say "grace" (not a common occurrence).

"Dear Jesus.
Thank you for this food. And thank you that we have food to eat.
Jesus and God. Please let everyone in my family be safe and don't let anyone die."

Twenty minutes later I got a severe cramp and started bleeding.